Archive | December, 2008

Miles to go before I sleep

31 Dec

It’s the last day of 2008.

It’s my last day at the job I’ve held for four years.

Tomorrow is a new day, and a New Year.

I foresee new challenges, new people, new hope and a new direction.

I’m terrified and insanely excited at the same time. It’s like taking a flying leap into the unknown. So here goes nothing.

The Road goes ever on and on
   Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
   And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
   Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
   And whither then? I cannot say.
~ J.R.R Tolkien


Christmas Hiatus

24 Dec

Blogging break until 2009 rolls around. Happy holidays, all, and a Blessed New Year!

So tired

23 Dec

I’m tired, honey. You complain that I’m distant. Have you forgotten the miles?

Four years of loving you so much I forgot how it felt not to. Sometimes it felt like I was writing love letters to a wall, or whispering sweet nothings to an unproven deity. Maybe you were a false idol – eventually I’d realise there was nothing to worship. That the only power you had was to take everything we had and undo it all with your tongue.

You only miss the rain when it doesn’t come. The sun when all you see are clouds.

You say I don’t call. I’m not the one who keeps his phone off most of the time.

You say I seem preoccupied on IM. I’m not the one who’s almost never on.

You say you reply my emails. Yes, weeks after I send them.

Now that I’ve drawn back, you’re all ImissyouIloveyouwhereareyouareyouathome?

Well, you really shouldn’t have made me cry so hard I lost my voice; it felt like I’d swallowed the splinters from the heart you broke.

And every time you tell me you love me, I can still feel the pieces in my throat. Why tell me now, instead of when it could have helped, when it could have mattered?

I guess maybe you’ll have to learn the hard way that you shouldn’t break what you can’t fix.

Hope for the season

23 Dec

is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present,
hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow
with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace
.”~ Agnes M. Pharo

As the year ends, I look back and marvel at everything that’s happened in the last few months. There’s been a lot of pain and tears, sudden changes in circumstances and new people in my life who I never imagined there in the first place.

But it’s given me time to re-evaluate what’s important in my life. Through the worst of things, I find I can weather it all so long as I remember to make God the centre, my centre through it all. That I can learn to just let go, and worry less. As MM (Mystery Man) says:  “It all works out for the best.” How’s MM? We’re cool. He’s cool. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be singing as much as I am now. He gave me that needed little push to sing, and I’ll always be grateful for that.

You place hope not in human beings. Your friends, your loved ones – they are not magical candy dispensers of rainbows and lightness. Unless you’re open to receiving happiness, you’ll be unable to just enjoy the presence of the people who matter.

So after a year of trials and tragedy, I hope we all can remember to hope; to find some measure of peace as the year winds down. That we can still know joy, remember that pain is temporary, and that solace and comfort is there if we only reach for it.

This is the year I learned to hope again for my country.
That I learned to let my heart and voice sing.
Where I found family and home.

So I wish you a blessed Christmas this year, and a joyous, hopeful time in the next year. 

Truly, let us all revel in the audacity of hope.

Monday Music: NIN’s Something I Can Never Have

22 Dec

I think it’s the human condition: we want something we can’t have. We always want what is just beyond our reach. It doesn’t matter how much is already in our keeping – we want everything.

I just want to stop wanting. Or stop feeling wanting.

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don’t want to sleep anymore
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing and I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn’t do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart
Come on tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing and I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now, I know it’s still the same
Everywhere I look you’re all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be
Come on tell me
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing and I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

Where my hope is

22 Dec

“For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

These words have never left me over the years. Time and time again, I am reminded that mine is not just a random course. That there is a purpose, and if I’m patient enough to wait, a path through the wilderness.

I’ve even named my guitar Jeremiah, because as I hold my guitar to me everyday, so do I keep those words close.

Thwarted dreams are terrible things, and I’ve seen people twisted and made hollow by them. Slowly, but surely, I’ve begun to let go of the things I decided I wanted long ago and instead, trust that maybe there are better things to hope for.

Music to one of the greatest stories ever told

20 Dec

Was bitterly disappointed when I found out about the LOTR Symphony at the MPO too late to get tickets. But as luck would have it, a friend of mine had spare tickets to the open rehearsal where I would at least see the symphony conducted.

I was also surprised that soprano Ann De Renais would be a soloist. I hear her voice everyday – she’s the voice on my David Jones vocal CDs. She did a wonderful job on Gollum’s song, but when she closed the show with her rendition of Into the West I was in tears.

Tonight and tomorrow, Malaysians will be able to see the full performance of Howard Shore’s composition at the MPO. Though I’m a wee bit envious, I still got to see the MPO play and Ann De Renais sing, so I’ll be happy with my lot. Better than not being able to hear/see it at all.

All things considered, I’m still a very lucky girl.

My favourite parts had to be the Rohirrim themes, as well as Ann’s solos. It made me want to go back and reread the books, as well as watch the films. It’s been a year since I’ve read Tolkien. I suppose it’s time to revisit Middle-Earth and the story that’s inspired me with its themes of love, friendship, loyalty, honour and hope. Narnia, seriously, had nothing on it, as I found C.S. Lewis’s utter lack of compassion for his own characters as nothing more to push his ‘Godly’ message distasteful. If God were to see us as nothing more but pawns in His divine game, then life really would be meaningless.