Archive | June, 2009

We play too many games

14 Jun
Play 'N' the Game album cover

Image via Wikipedia

This is not a post slamming gamers. I’m talking about different kind of games. The games we play at work, when dating, with our family members or our friends.

In an ideal world, communication would be direct, clear, honest. But we hide behind a lot of subterfuge, sending mixed messages and complicating the simple.

We put on facades, execute overly contrived strategies and in the end, we get so lost in the games we play that we forget and totally miss the objective.

I can safely say I didn’t play any games when I was on a casual ‘lunch date’ today. We talked, it was good conversation and it might just end there for all I know. Other women might play bait/switch, make gestures showing interest and all that. I leave those kind of games to insipid women’s magazine relationship articles. It was simple today. He talked, I listened. I talked, he listened. At the end of it, I was direct and clear (I think) and told him “You can call me if you want.” That’s exactly what I meant. If I thought he was boring/scary/not someone I’d see again, I’d have said thanks for the company. And left it at that.
Work is a different story. The communications field is a tricky minefield where strategy and approach is always bandied about. How do we make the client see that our counsel makes sense? How do we convince media our client has something to say? The direct approach, I find, isn’t always the best. Different landscapes and people require different tactics. Sometimes it’s the iron fist in the velvet glove. Sometimes it’s outright flattery. Sometimes I need to play the personality card or the ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ game.
If I see it as a game, work is a little more enjoyable. But at the end of the day, there are real things at stake – reputation and revenue. Work may be a game but it’s a serious one. I’m still learning the rules as I go along but I’m finally, finally catching up.

When too many worlds collide

11 Jun

Some people separate aspects of their lives, compartmentalising to better manage them all. Work, family, religion – all have their different boxes and rarely intersect.

But sometimes you can’t help when your personal life spills over into work or vice-versa. The results are never pretty, though.

Nearly 4am in the morning and I’ve just experienced that collusion.

Does it feel this way when a truck runs right into you and you’re numb from the shock and the pain?

Will it make it better to have the truck driver visit you in hospital or while you’re doing physical therapy?

I wish the truck had just run me over so I wouldn’t have to feel anything for anyone ever again.

I still feel the same

8 Jun

Was it just a few months past that my heart kept me up in the middle of the night, whimpering into the stillness?

Now it is still late and I can hear it humming.

My heart’s learned to sing again but nowadays it sings for just one.

“I have never left. I will never leave you.”

I sacrificed my broken, contrite heart and You have taken it, when I should have left it in Your keeping all along.

Through all the pain, through all the darkness and the uncertainty, You have taught me that You are more constant that any human soul could be.

Whatever happens. You are still my God.

Really just being me

6 Jun
cuerpos diferentes personas iguales

Image by Paula G. Furió via Flickr

Was bemused as I listened to a client talk about online personas and the “Online Me”.

On the Internet, I’m fairly comfortable because what you see there is me. Unembellished, with no pretense or affectations. I prefer not to use handles and when it comes to my online identity, I want the first thing that comes up when I’m Googled to be something that came from me.

Now, in real life, it’s slightly more complicated.

The Internet strips me of my facade and lets me bare what I am at the core. Something that I can only define with one word: me.

In real life, too many people know or see different sides of me.

To Irene, Anis and my juniors, I’m the dotty, overly but funnily frank grandma in a 30-year old body.
To PR reps in my past life, I was the brutally direct, cold glacier that newbies quailed to climb.

To my closest friends, I am the one who is accepting of their foibles as much as they are accepting of mine.

To my lovers or significant others, I am the Stepford wife who would clean for them, wait for them, put up with all the crap I get from them and suffer silently till I explode.

I am different things to different people and while I do have a multiple faceted personality, I also try too hard to be what I think they want me to be.

My editor persona is not something my friends will see. She came about as a survival mechanism to get through the stresses of publishing. Editor Erna is insular, prone to keeping her own counsel (keeping other people in the dark in the process), authoritarian, scary when angry, suffers no fools and the only thing that makes her tolerable is the fingernail’s worth of writing talent.

I thought I was comfortable in my own skin. What I really am, though, is someone who tries to change her skin too often. I want that to change.

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Tell me what I want

5 Jun
so confused

Image by rachel sian via Flickr

After a long drawn out conversation over good food, I’ve realised that I need to start figuring out what I really want.

Part of me thinks I should just let go of my wants and needs, hoping for the best.

But if I don’t know what I want, or what I don’t want, I’ll end forever coasting on the seas of indecision.

First off, what I don’t want:

  1. I don’t want a house just yet. Until I have enough of a nest egg, a mortgage is just too much commitment.
  2. I don’t want a relationship…for the sake of having one. Flirting is fine, random innuendo perhaps, but I’m not the naughty kitty always wanting to play when she sees an enticing bit of string anymore. Read into that what you will.
  3. I don’t want to be so swamped with work that I forget the commitment I have to God, my loved ones and the things that make me happy.

What I do want:

  1. To figure out how best to serve with all God’s given me. Rather than beat myself up over and over again because I don’t feel I’m doing enough for God, I realise that maybe what He wants from me is just to do the best I can with all I can. Dear God, let that be enough.
  2. To keep writing and being a better writer, because above all things that is my true vocation. I can’t claim to make words sing but on good days I can make them hum in tune.
  3. To get to grips on my new day job and challenge myself to bring the best of what I am to the job instead of trying to be someone else. I don’t have to be a different person but just change the way I do things. David Lian’s been supportive, telling me to ‘just be yourself’. David’s not perfect but he takes his best traits and amplifies them enough they make up for any shortcomings. I’ll just need to remind myself that I bring a lot to the table too and I shouldn’t let my inexperience hamper my self-confidence.

I want to be a good person and be good at what I do. That’s it in a nutshell.