The good news is that I’ve finished the lyrics for a song that keeps running in my head.
The bad news is that in my struggles over the last year to find a better coping mechanism, I’m finding that believing in God falls short.
Sounds nihilistic, right?
The problem with believing in God is believing He listens. That He’ll make it all right. If you just wait and believe that all things will happen in His time and not yours.
I don’t know where He is but I am beginning to think He’s not listening.
Or that He’s using me and asking a wee bit too much.
I lost counts of all the nights I pray that He will take away any desire that is not for Him. So I can just be happy and content being His little candle and burning away. Take away my desire for the one thing I want but can’t have.
Or at least take away the ‘black dog’. Winston Churchill could deal with it but I’m not Churchill. Or Lincoln.
I admire the people who want to live even just one more day. I don’t. I don’t want anything. I have no dreams, no aspirations.
My conclusion: life is unfair. The world is a cruel, terrible place. People can be undeserving, horrible pricks and even if they are, sometimes life is better to them than to you.
I can’t change that. Who can? I ask God to make it better. To make it stop. Three decades and I still walk around feeling like a big black hole.
If I keep believing in You, I’ll be unhappy with You. So God, I’ll just give up on You. You’re not listening and I’m beginning to wonder if You ever did. So sod off. I am tired of being bitter and waiting on You. I’m tired of being sick and tired.
Instead I will accept the world is a dark and awful place but as long as I’m alive, I will put up with it and do as much good as I can anyway. Make things a little bit better for the other inmates of this sodding jail we call the world and do it because it’s needed. And not for You.
I’m so tired of You.
Dear God
Verse:
See I’ve been wrestling with this problem
A pain that never ends
Wounds that never heal
Hurts that will not mend
I’ve asked You time and time again
For You to make it right
That maybe in this darkness
You’d care to shine some light
Maybe you’re just a fallacy I want so much to believe
Or You’re the real problem, not the answer that I need
Chorus:
I’m tired of this
I’m tired of You
I’m tired of wondering just what You’re gonna do
I’m tired of pretending
that it’ll all be OK
That someday I’ll learn to stop feeling this way
Dear God, I’m tired
Lord hear me, I’m tired
Verse:
I’ve asked You to make me over
Take away my selfish needs
That You’d be my only lover
For You’d be all my deeds
Yet You won’t take away this desire
For the one thing I can’t find
I wait for You to change me
Take the longing off my mind
I pray each day You’ll call to come around to take me Home
Leave this pointless life and always being on my own
Repeat Chorus:
Bridge:
So now that I’ve decided I won’t believe in You no more
I’m tired of living with my heart and soul down on the floor
Why should I believe You’re listening?
It’ll only give me hope
When I should just accept that life will always be unfair
And that it will stop hurting once I learn just not to care…
About You.
Earnestly, Erna 
I’m sorry life is so frustrating for you right now, and that you think God doesn’t care about you… I know what that feeling is like – there was a time in my life when I felt that way and it was one of the loneliest, emptiest times I have ever gone through. I want to express something to you – please understand I say it having been there. I am not criticizing you, only sharing what I have been learning…
If we believe simply for our own pleasure, our faith is useless. Jesus Christ, our king, died out of his love for us because it was necessary to save us – from hell – not simply from all of the hardships we face on earth. He did die, though, so we could one day live in eternal bliss – in heaven. That time is not now. I won’t say that I understand everything fully, but from what I’ve read in the Bible, it seems that the point of our time on earth is for us (as Christians) to grow closer to God through our hardships by learning to seek him more earnestly, leaning on Him through them, but accepting them. Psalms 55:22 (‘cast your burdens on the Lord…’). How can we demand anything from God? Hasn’t he done enough already, having been crucified AND offering us eternal joy in heaven if we believe in Him? Isn’t that enough?
Job’s wife tells him to curse at God after God has allowed all of Job’s children to die. (God allowed Satan to do these things to Job in order to test Job’s faith.) He replied, “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:10. But God does care for us – everything He does is for a reason. In the end of the story, God restores everything to Job twice over – Job is even more blessed than he was before. Not that Job, or any of us deserve it, because we are all sinners – God did it out of his own grace, to cast out our fear. (‘Perfect love casts out fear…’)
…………………….
â(3)Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; (4)perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5)And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.â â Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)
This life is not about enjoyment. It is about separating the ones who truly believe in Him – who truly love Him – from the ones who say they do only to satisfy their own personal desires. The ones who truly believe in Him in the end will go to heaven… the others to hell. I know, sounds scary and almost seems unfair. But He knows a lot more than we do in this – we judge things based only on what we can see and understand, but He judges things based on everything that He knows – He already knows the future. We know to trust Him not because we have proof that he can (oh hey, another verse is Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see) but because we know that we ourselves cannot be counted on – because our knowledge, our perceptions – are limited. We make mistakes because we do not see the full picture. We do not see that the reason that blind man was sitting on the street corner, begging for money, was to inspire the businessman walking by to show him compassion by taking him off of the street and inviting him into his home. But God has it this way for a reason – so we learn to trust him, even when we can’t fully understand everything.
If you are not convinced yet, please consider these last verses:
Romans 8:18 – “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” (This was written by a man named Paul who had suffered extensive persecution because of his faith. The point is that this man believed what he was saying. If his faith in Christ enabled him to do these things, so can ours!)
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
And some motivation:
Philippians 4:13 – “I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.”
So what now? Pray to him – ask for forgiveness. I know it might not seem like it, but this entry of yours is kind of insensitive. I mean, for you to insinuate that He doesn’t care about you – it’s almost like his dying on the cross means nothing to you. Pray that if He would come back into your life… Read your Bible – specifically read Romans, if possible. If not, maybe another gospel book in the New Testament? Anyway, I hope that this has been a help. Know that I am doing it because I know that He loves you.
“Because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 3:12
God loves you more than you could possibly imagine. Please email me if you need: kml5352@psu.edu
In terms of taking away any desire that is not for Him…
I commend you for having had the perseverance to pray so much about it. But why quit praying after all of that?
>believing
>persisting
>accepting
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
“‘Have faith in God,’ Jesus answered. ‘I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, “Go, throw yourself into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins'” (Mark 11:22-25).
“Then he said to them, “Suppose one of you has a friend, and he goes to him at midnight and says, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread, because a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have nothing to set before him.’ “Then the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children are with me in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man’s boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs. ” Luke 11
If there is something you TRULY need, God will provide for you. But is it REALLY something that you need? I’m not trying to challenge – it’s only a question that we all would do good in wondering from time to time. But have you ever heard the saying “Thank God for unanswered prayers”? Sometimes you cannot understand why the heck he didn’t answer until long after – and you realize He was looking out for you all along! đ
You will be in my prayers, because I know what it’s like to feel that way.
And I’m sorry if any of this seems like I’m making assumptions about you. I’m only trying to understand your situation as best I have given what you have written – obviously I cannot hope to see the full picture. But even so, I stick to what I wrote, because I really feel He was guiding it, even if it is only for somebody who happens to visit your blog that good would come out of it… (Sorry to leave so many comments! But know that I meant them sincerely!)
Hey there sister, hang in there. God is there. Always is, always will be.
At least for me, I see his power revealed every day. And I live by his graces and forgiveness. I live by his power and by his righteousness.
I am a new man, every time I am made whole through his forgiveness, every time I seek him.
He is God Most High. With the power to forgive sins.
Every time I get stuck, I tell myself to begin in obedience. Because without that, you’re stuck. You have to make the conscious decision to want Him. And you have to constantly state it and do it.
It’s a relationship. Between you and Him.
If your girlfriend says she loves you and wants to give herself to you, but yet she sleeps with other men, how do you feel? Can you still treat her as ur gf? Can you still demand things of her with regards to ur relationship with her?
It’s a relationship. Begin with obedience. And do it. Again and again.